Of course losing my husband has changed my kids' lives forever. But losing a spouse is one of the most devastating life changing events next to losing a child. It is next level pain and agony.

Unfortunately we live in a grief illiterate society. We feel uncomfortable around death and grieving people. All a grieving person wants is to be heard, seen and validated. We need our loved ones and friends to hold space for our grieving hearts.

We have all been exposed since we were young with the notions that grief is linear.

That after year one we are back to normal, that we shouldn’t show our emotions but be strong and get on with it. Showing emotions can be seen as weak. But grief is messy and all over the place

Grief affects a person physically, emotionally, spiritually and behaviorally. The first 3 to 6 months I felt sadness, yearning, guilt, regret, anger, anxiety, disbelief, numbness, empty, lonely, crying uncontrollably, and detached to the world around me. And that's just the emotional manifestation of grief.

Behaviourally, I felt like I was floating, I had intense brain fog, couldn't make decisions, felt disconnected to everyone except my kids. I was confused, and I avoided sleeping in my bedroom for 5 months. It was just so hard to sleep without him, there was too much extra space that wasn't held by him anymore, it changed when I redecorated my bedroom and it became my sanctuary.

Physically I experienced panic attacks. I held it together as best as I could emotionally the first two months after he passed on November 4th, 2021. However, when December 31 hit the stroke of 12 midnight I lost it. I cried intensely, heart racing and my panic attacks began and lasted about 1 month. It is horrible when I am in the thick of it. Getting through the day is challenging to say the least. Deep down inside I knew I would come out the other side because I did it before in the past.

I also experienced chest pain and loss of appetite. I woke up in the morning for about 1 year with a sense of panic and agitation. I couldn't believe this was true, my
Frank was gone.

My connection to him was everything to me, he got me and I got him. We loved each other intensely and he had my back and protected me. For this I am so lucky and grateful. He was my prince and forever my love.

My emotions and feelings have changed, for example guilt and regret has lessened quite a bit but of course will resurface. I know I did the best I could for him with what I knew at the time during his depression and the consequences of dealing with the health care system during the Covid pandemic. The raw intense pain lessons as you process the loss and aswell and the frequency.

I learned all of this and more when I registered for the Hope in Widowhood program founded by Karen Sutton the Widow Coach. I would highly recommend this life changing 12 month program to any widow.

Spiritually, I have grown exponentially and have become closer to God more than ever before. He is my refuge and I feel so happy every time I attend mass on Sunday mornings. It fills my soul and gives me courage to push myself forward. I have also experienced many signs and have felt Frank's presence.

In my experience so far with grief and loss I have realized it is not linear. The gut wrenching pain and longing never goes away. I know that my mindset needs to change and it has, but grief bombs can strike at any time, sometimes without warning.

Usually there are different triggers and important dates where a griever is struck with the realization that their person is never coming back. I still can't believe how much it shocks me that Frank is gone forever from this world.

In a cosmic, silver lining way losing my husband has made me finally look at my values, beliefs and most importantly my behavior. My heart is broken but light and hope is shining through. I no longer have him to stand behind, I am exposed and need to stand on my own. Evolving and growing into the best version of myself requires so much effort and hard work. I have and continue to put in the time and effort to grow and transform.

There are of course so many wonderful moments that have happened since Frank's passing. I have been present in all of them, which I am so proud of, I tended to sit in my emotions in the past. I am so grateful for my kids and their partners. I am forever grateful to my mom for being present with me on a daily basis especially the first 3 months. My dad also helped by giving my mom support through the early grief. They are both so devastated and miss their son in law terribly.

My sister and her family have also demonstrated so much support and love. And of course the love and care that extended family and friends gave to me will not be forgotten. My life has changed completely, however I know that I can build a new beautiful life around the loss of Frank. I want to honor our love and him always.