I AM A WIDOW NOW WHAT : Loss of a spouse-My journey with widowhood
I became a widow on November 4th, 2021 at 53 just a month shy of my 54th birthday . I knew my husband for more than half my life, we met when I was 21 and he was 28. We were together for 32 years and married for 30.
We have 3 beautiful incredible adult kids. I became a grandmother to a sweet baby boy last year on October 14th 2023 a day after my husband Frank’s birthday which was October 13th. During covid in October of 2020, we made our Australian Labradoodle Cody, part of our family.
When I became a widow I felt confused, disoriented, was in disbelief and overwhelmed. I cried for months upon months like a wounded animal, my chest would get tight and I felt like it was difficult to breathe. Being a widow affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.
I couldn't function for months or engage in everyday activities. I found everyday chores such as washing dishes, walking my dog, doing laundry and buying groceries impossible tasks to accomplish. I was feeling a lot of guilt and anger after my husband died. These emotions have evolved and changed in the last 2 years.
I decided early on that I needed to speak to a therapist and this helped me but I needed and wanted more. My yearning for more healing and learning and figuring out what it meant to be a widow had begun. I started journaling and writing letters to my late husband as a way of expressing my feelings and connecting with him.
Grief Bill of Rights
So many milestones and life events have been celebrated since his death. I can't believe I have endured and pushed myself through these events. I have accomplished so many things that I thought during the first 9 months after his death were impossible.
My daughters bridal shower just 6 months after he passed away.
My daughter and son in law’s wedding day May 20, 2022 seven months after Frank died. Unforgettable day that was so emotional and painful and simultaneously so beautiful and joyous.
Her brothers walked her down the aisle and also danced the father daughter dance with her. Not a dry eye in sight.
FAMILY HUG
I have also learned and lived through so many realities and lessons that widowhood has brought into my life. It is an isolating and lonely new life for me. I thank God everyday for my kids, parents and my sister and her family. Along with a few friends that have been there for me and given me strength beyond belief.
The many faces of grief.
I no longer have my other half, my best friend, the love of my life and partner that I did everything with. I know it can be seen as too dependent and it was to some degree, but he was my everything. He loved me unconditionally.
Our marriage wasn’t perfect but I knew he had my back. I loved being his wife and giving him emotional and loving support.
I am navigating a new journey of widowhood that feels like a rollercoaster ride. In the beginning my pain was intensely raw. Experiencing anxiety and panic attacks was a part of my life consistently. I feel and have felt like everyone's life continues as I sit and see my life pass me by feeling frozen in time not going anywhere.
The pain does become less sharp and less frequent as time moves forward. But of course it goes up and down. However, when I am triggered or have an upcoming anniversary or his birthday my sadness, and anxiety rises and I go through a bad period of grief.
At times I feel I am an island alone, on my own watching the world go by, it feels like those around me are living in their bubble of happiness because their lives have not been touched by a profound loss. I feel I have no one to guide me or have my back.
I realize that most people have good intentions but can't relate to what I am going through. Others don't know what to say or do. I have learned through my journey to become less angry and accept more and more the feeling of abandonment by those that I thought would be there for me.
For the first time ever in my life I am working towards and learning to stand on my own. Be my own advocate and best friend. It is a huge endeavor for me but this is what will allow me to grow, heal and create a new life that still brings me joy.
Becoming a widow has humbled me to my core. Many people want to move forward and not grieve or let out their feelings. I believe in order to transform your life from existing to living one needs to let it out and sit in the grief, whether that’s crying uncontrollably, feeling down, or doing nothing all day. I have also realized very early on that hope lives along side my devastation of loosing Frank.
Through my journey I have found many resources, organizations, support groups, programs, books, podcasts, going to church and mostly God. I began to realize I needed to examine the essence of who I am and what my values are. What do I need and want for my future? Discovering what will keep me going and give me hope has been my goal and continues to be. I am a work in progress.
I have been very passionate about design and decor as an interior decorator since 2010. I love how it changes the way a person lives in their home and how it can be greatly improved by function and beauty. But, after losing my husband my goals have pivoted.
Design and decorating are still my passion however, I now am seeking to learn more about widowhood, suicide prevention and how to deal with being a suicide survivor, and also focus on wellness such as travelling solo and other great self care options. I will also share my own experiences and how I am navigating all of it. I am still continuing my business of being a decorator and have also decided to add the above knowledge, experiences, and what I have learned and continue to learn and discover to my business model.
I have discovered that I need to try new things and put myself out there into the world away from my 4 walls. This may make me vulnerable but it allows for growth to happen. Sometimes I behave this way, sometimes I don't. I am realizing I need to give myself grace, go at my own pace and bit by bit I will find my way.
I will be sharing more blogs and all that unfolds as my life continues on this voyage of rebuilding, finding joy and celebrating being alive. I never wanted this new life for myself, my kids, family and friends that loved Frank so much, but here we are……………………..
Let’s Work Together!